Another Life

I just spent an hour looking at pitcures of myself from twenty pounds ago. And I realize that six and a half weeks pregnant is not the time to say this but: I looked a whole lot better 20 pounds ago. And I felt a whole lot better.

I looked at some pictures that I remember I thought made me look fat then and just thought: I wish I could only look that fat again.

I've been reading a lot of fat acceptance blogs lately and really trying to get into it, learn how to give up and love myself at this size (Because now I am a real to a tight 12 and I know that is not enormous and before I was an easy 10, but it's amazing how much of a difference this made). But I can't. I was healthier and more balanced then. I'd like to say this is what I was meant to be, but the truth is that as my anxiety overwhelmed my life, I exercised little in the last year. I gave up smoking, which is good! But it brought on the pounds and with my ass firmly in my chair for 12 hours a day, the effect has been 20 pounds planted there too. I think with more frequent exercise and a bit more attention to food, I could again be at least 10 pounds lighter without giving up a kidney.

So, while I have no intention of dieting while pregnant, I have every intention of doing it as healthy and naturally as I can. I think the effect of not doing it that way could be detrimental on me, the pregnancy and any eventual baby that there may be.